Scared? Are you scared? Scared to open yourself
Up into this world of fear where
Pixels fill your mind and surround your
Head and make you not dizzy but confusedUntil you toss and turn and shut your eyes
Open and shut the pressure ties
Force your body to shutter
Your heart too engulfed
And surrounded
It pumps and pumps it lies
It is lying
It says you are still alive with its constant
Beat as you shrivel with tears
And you rock back and forth
hold tight and squeeze until
Your hands turn a purplish red
Until your mind pours and goes forth without you
Until you no longer feel the time go by until you squeeze your fists and your eyes until
You cannot feel the pump of your pumping heart. Did you die?
Every song- every life you have ever lived rings
And blossoms as everything you have ever known
Or loved
Is destroyed in the chaos that you have created
That you will destroy
And you will find a way to sway and sway
Back and forth purple and red and your heart beat disappears with the rhythm of the turning earth turning red
Which you can now feel through your veins
Through your fiery veins- they burrow
underneath
Your cold, lifeless skin
And everything stops
You are now in
A beautiful meadow
Little specks of water rest on each blade of grass
They grow
With you
Lying on the grass
Greener than you can imagine. I promise you
I promise you there is a woman
Or maybe a man, or maybe just
A voice. You don’t let it sway you to question
This beautiful green grass but it reminds you
It reminds you of the tons and tons
Of life you have left to rot
It is not rotting you say to yourself
You are resting
You say to yourself
You don’t want to go back
So you don't. You lie resting in this meadow
But soon restless you lie. You notice no other people
You find no other people. Where is your mother?
You don’t know, but part of you knows
Maybe the part that you left to rot
That is now gone because
You decided to “rest”
To obsess
You are scared again.
You want your mommy like when you were a
child. No longer are you resting or even restless
you are lost and reviled by
A shiver which runs down your back you
Wish and hope to escape your
Body you know something is
Wrong. Something is off
Something is off with you-- with this meadow
You toss and turn to the rhythmless rhythm
You ruthlessly destroyed before
In this perfect green pasture with this perfect
Green sky, what is wrong with you?
What is wrong? The frame shakes as if it tries to move
You are shaking now and itching
to leave your body on the ground. You wonder and you ask and you
Yell to a non-existent crowd
You yell loud and
It makes no noise or maybe it does but
You can’t really tell because
the sky might’ve just eaten your cries and yells
it is now tinted an orangish yellow
Feverishly familiar to the cries which it engulfs
From you, lying scared on the ground
As if a fire had erupted far away
Or a hurricane will in the future
Something lingers in the air
Smell smoke, smells you cannot bare
They torture
By filling your nostrils your eyes
but the sky is still blue- though it has a tint and the sun does still shine- though not as bright
You are sure of this smoke in this field where
The grass is still green and the sky is still blue
You are sure of the tint of yellow
No one can see except you
Don't whine your mother used to
Tell you but not anymore
You are older now and you no longer live
In this meadow and you no longer
Live under this blue sky even though
You have not moved away
Because there is something wrong with
You
There is something wrong with you.
Not like before where you grew and
Aged out of your fear to lose
Your mother was scared for you
Now she is scared of you
Scared because there is something wrong
With you
You are scared again.
Mother? Is my mother in this fire
You run but something stops you
Your heart goes too fast, faster than you
It escapes your body
But instead of a gnawing red, bloody heart staining the green pasture
Which you are trying to escape, the heart just disappears
Into the ground
You wish it hadn’t
This time the yell comes out
You want a blemish on the ground to overt people
away from you so you
Your heart lies again it lies against
Your need for attention and reinforcement
Then again you are alone so what difference would it make?
What difference would it make
If people look or don’t
If no one is here to be shook
Now you are surely not alive
If your heart has disappeared
But you still breath and remember
The voice. You remember there is a voice
Now there is no voice. Now you can move.
But each step- each movement is louder then it
Should be exacerbated as colors and bullets
Which erupt into your being and your
Ears you can not hear your thoughts
echoes echo just around you
The orange tint of the sky escapes into your body you close your eyes
You can only hear and smell fire. Fire that was once far away is now in you
It smothers you, it engulfs you
The fire that killed your mother or maybe
Did not kill her but just harmed her
The fire that killed your mother kills you
And you are scared to close your eyes
Because the yells don’t stop and the ground keeps
Falling and this pasture disappears and you disappear
And you finally see your mom
And she is on the pasture yelling and scratching the ground
You see her from below and above
Now you are the voice but she doesn’t listen
And all this time you forgot to breathe.
So you do that.
You breath
In and out and in and out come waves which wash away
This fantasy
But you zoom out. A pixelated dream you can not quite make out
You are still scared
Scared
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